The Obituarist

Milton Arboghast: 1919-2014

Milton Arboghast, who died so recently his beard is still growing, was one of Britainís leading 20th century inventors. A food chemist by inclination, Arboghast was unable to fight in the war due to an injury sustained during a family game of hide the sausage. Concerned at the lack of sustenance available to Britainís troops, he utlised his chemical know-how to create a unique mix of egg, flour and syrup which, when spat on, would double in size and transform itself into a tasty snack. The spit-on noodle was deemed the difference between the two sides during the war of words that was World War II, and in 1947 Arboghast receiving the Nobel Prize for Saliva. Later adopted by NASA, Arboghastís noodle spawned a wealth of imitators including the flob-on salt, the vomit-on soup, and trousers that shrink to fit when peed on.

Zsa Zsa Bethesda writes: for a chemist, Milton was pretty darn-f*ck funny. In fact Iíd go as far as to say that he was the funniest man Iíd ever met. Heíd make me laugh my knickers off. Iíd be standing there listening to one of his jokes, chuckling away, then Iíd catch sight of myself in the mirror and notice my knickers down by my ankles. It was truly unbelievable. He was wasted in chemistry. He should have gone on the stage. What a f*cking waste. Nothing depresses me more than waste.

© copyright 2008 Saul Wordsworth
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