Square Mile Magazine

Bus Driver

Bus driving is a dying art. Degree courses in bus driving have been dwindling ever since Margaret Thatcher said, "you know what they say about people who travel by bus?" and then did the 'loser' sign on her forehead. Luckily there are still enough enthusiasts to keep our buses on the roads, on the pavements and, just occasionally, on time.

Bus drivers are lucky in their consistent and intensive contact with the general public. Every new passenger is a gift and should be treated accordingly, even if the driver is greeted with the words, "Oi, hobgoblin, you smell like old sick."

Many bus drivers suffer from what is called 'bus driver's seat'. This is a thickening of the skin around the general buttock zone area. Sometimes the skin thickens to such an extent that the driver experiences a total loss of sensation in the buttock, leading them to slip from the seat and onto the floor by the pedals.

Bus drivers, male and female, are good with their hands and make the best lovers. They are highly dextrous and imaginative, occasionally changing their route if there is a diversion. At the end of love making, bus drivers will shout 'everybody off'.

If you drive a bus, you have a good chance of meeting old faces from the past:

"Hi Giles. What are you doing now?"

"I'm in aluminium. And you?"

"I'm a bus driver. One pound please."

Most drivers have an array of bad habits, from driving at low bridges for their own amusement to employing the breaks randomly and abruptly, leading pregnant women to break their water bottles on the top deck. Psychologists believe that such shocking atrocities occur due to certain of the bus driving community not feeling loved as children. The problem is that buses are the new 4x4s and can give the driver a sense of high-upness and superiority. This can lead to bus drivers 'getting ahead of themselves', a psychological condition where people get ahead of themselves. Such behaviour is personified by Robert de Niro in the film 'Bus Driver', though this condition usually improves through a combination of talking cures and age.

Apart from driving slowly up hills, the most important rule that a bus driver must take on board is that of waving at buses travelling in the opposite direction. This is an essential part of training and failure to do so may lead to suspension on the bus being lowered.

At the end of a long day, bus drivers get together and share funny stories at the depot. Many of these are hilarious and have to be heard to be believed:

"I served a woman today who insisted on paying me in used tea bags!"

"That's nothing. I got a flat this morning. I bought it with the proceeds of my bus driving!"

© copyright 2008 Saul Wordsworth
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