Square Mile Magazine

Police Officer

"Freeze! You are all under a vest! I know the police aren't popular, especially when they shoot people to death for no reason or blow up crowds of protestors, but think about it. Without this voluntary band of do-gooders who regularly give up their Tuesdays to uphold the laws of government, all manner of unfortunate things would transpire unchecked: looting, shooting, hooting, and the stealing of identities.

People often refer to the thin blue line. This denotes the tiny difference between being a police officer and beating one up. It is a round-about way of saying that if you are close to and understand the criminal mind (i.e. you are a bit naughty yourself), you are better equipped to catch such criminals, as they fall out of trees (criminals often live in trees). Another concept synonymous with our boys in blue is the nice and nasty treatment. This is when one officer is kind and tender, while the other behaves as if they've just lost their entire family in a hurricane. An example:

"What with all these questions, you must be tired. Would you like a back rub? (nice)

"That would be lovely. Thank you.

"I wouldn't give you a back rub. I think you're a rotter. (nasty)

There are fewer Bobbies on the beat than there once were. This is mainly due to a reduction in the number of beats. Of the police officers left, half are in fact computer generated (take a swing: you will find that most of the time your hand passes straight through). This is a cost-cutting exercise. Exercise has also been cut as part of the exercise. As a result policemen are growing heavier and are now known as Blobbies not Bobbies.

The two worst things about the police force are the institutional racism and the tea. The tea is weak and milky. The institutional racism on the other hand is being addressed through the introduction of culture into the canteens ("canteen culture) in an effort to enlighten the ignorant and remove prejudice.

© copyright 2008 Saul Wordsworth
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