On sickness and on health
16th November 2009
It’s been literally seconds since my last blog but something has happened that has moved me to post this, post haste.
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On beards
26th September 2009
Hello! Long time! So good to see you! We mustn’t leave it so long in the future! How are you? Oh, I’m sorry to hear that. You’re saying it just fell off? Well, what did the doctor say? I can’t believe he said that. This all sounds highly irregular. No I don’t want to see it. Jesus, put it away will you? You disgust me. No, I don’t want a polo.
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On fire
9th July 2009
Bonjour there.
Some like it hot. Others like it really hot. Yet how many of us are happy when it’s actually on fire? And what the shit am I talking about? To find out click here – or the puppy gets it.
On being quiet and being Jewish
23rd January 2009
Well hello there. Firstly my humblest apologies. In the first four months of this website I posted nine blogs of varying length, breadth, girth and insight. Since October I’ve not posted a SINGLE ONE. This is shameful behaviour and would be bordering on the unforgiveable were it not for the fact that no one noticed. If by some cruel twist of fate you did notice and have spent the ensuing three months pacing the carpet of your leather bound upstairs study, it is to you I direct my sorrys. I know it’s been three months since in my previous blog I waxed musical on the Brand-Ross fiasco and yesterday I drove past Jonathan Ross’ house, surrounded as it was by paparazzi after the recording of his comeback show that morning.
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On Russell Brand, laptops, spit, gags and yours truly
29th October 2008
Hello y’all,
I trust each and every one of you – man, woman, child, chimp or chump – is well.
I would like to tell you a few things. It’s just a list of things really, things that have happened since last we spoke. These I will number. One – a long one – is about Russell Brand. However each is equally riveting so stick around if you want the works.
On having sex in my car
9th October 2008
(this blog isn’t really about having sex in my car, I just wrote that to get your attention. Cheap trick I know but if you read on you’ll discover I’m cheap. Also, have you noticed that so far everything’s been in brackets? Annoying isn’t it? Imagine if I wrote the whole thing in brackets. It would do your nut. You’d be thinking, ‘when is he going to close the brackets and get started?’. Imagine if the Bible had been written in brackets. Or the Guardian was called (the Guardian). Wouldn’t that be funny? OK, enough. I’m about to close the brackets. At which point you can relax and enjoy this blog which, whilst not about car sex, is still very very very interesting. Brackets closing….now)
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On stuff that’s funny
14th September 2008
Are you like me? I don’t mean handsome, debonair and unflinchingly honest about yourself. No. I mean are you fed up with the astonishing lack of quality comedy on British television? You’re not? Really? Well I am. Fed up, that is. With British comedy. Fed up to the hilt. Force-fed up, if you like. Fed up squared. Squared on toast. Fed up squared on toast to the power ten (If you’ve just joined us we’re talking about being fed up with British comedy). So you see I’m fed up – and angry. Oh yes, I’m angry too. Perhaps I didn’t mention that before. But I’m angry. Very angry. Furious, in fact. F*cking furious. P*ssing sh*tting f*cking furious. It insults my intelligence, offends my sensibilities and if ever I have the misfortune to catch some by accident, it makes my elbows ache.
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