Criminal

I’ve thought about it. You’ve thought about. We’ve all thought about it. But this is neither the time nor place to discuss it. Instead, let’s consider your next career move that of a life of crime.

I got a rare glimpse of what it is to be a criminal the other day. No, I didn’t batter someone to death. Instead I spent two weeks avoiding my neighbours for complex reasons that have no place here. During this period I was exhilarated by the stealth required to steer clear of them and did a lot of quiet laughing.

Lurking and dodging wouldn’t be enough to sustain you though. You’d need something with high reward and reasonable risk, perhaps a heist like the one in The Thomas Crown Affair. The only problem with that kind of high-end pilfering is you’ve probably never tried to steal a painting from an international gallery before and are likely to get caught. Then you’ll go to prison, get bummed and come out a broken man. That’s not suave and cool. That’s just getting bummed.

It’s better to start with the smaller stuff: double parking, texting while driving, not recycling and so on. When you’re comfortable with that you can move onto the bigger stuff like shoplifting, resisting arrest, incest and driving backwards. Then once you’re super-confident and finally thinking like a career criminal, you can become a banker again.