Driving Instructor

Driving instructors are vile and disgusting. Look at this:

“A 57 year old driving instructor who groped his female pupils during lessons over a 24 year career has today been jailed for three months. Peter Pob, of Big Hand Driving, fondled his teenage pupils whilst pretending to help with clutch control, Preston Crown Court heard.”

Of course not all driving instructors are vile and disgusting. Many are nothing of the sort and instead fulfil the role to which we are familiar – that of teaching our children to drive (though their capacity for evil remains).

The two most important qualities an instructor must possess are a car with two sets of pedals, and endless patience. Patience is vital: some people are born to drive; others have driving thrust upon them. Therefore each pupil must be taught within his or her limitations. My neighbour, Small Sue, passed her test after only six lessons whereas her brother, Negative Alan, took over a hundred before he even left the estate.

Driving instructors have their own language that we pick up, then dispense with once we have passed our test. This includes phrases like “biting point”, “less gas”, “mind that nun”, and “not the convent!!” Like all bullies they will seek to undermine self-confidence and create a pattern of self-loathing in order to bleed money from their acne-faced inadequates. A short example:

“Do you think I am ready for my test yet, Richard?”

“No chance. And it’s Mr Smith to you, numb nuts.”

The all-time favourite weapon in an instructor’s armoury is the Emergency Stop:

“Very soon, and without warning, I will slap the dashboard with this rubber chicken. When I do, please stop as if in an emergency. Now step on it, fartbox.”

To ensure that this is a genuine surprise, many instructors will let up to four lessons pass before striking the dashboard in this fashion.

Driving instructors lead unfortunate lives. Their days are spent loitering outside schools, making small talk with adolescents and reversing round corners. As a result many go round the bend, often at high speed and with their eyes closed, in an attempt to free themselves from the dark world they have so foolishly created.