TV Presenter

So you think you can just quit the City, blag your way into TV and secure your own show? My, you’ve got big balls. But that’s good. Massive balls are a prerequisite for a career on the small screen. The bigger the better. It’s a accepted fact that Piers Morgan’s balls weigh 60% more than a bag of sugar.

Qualities that brought you success in financial services should stand you in good stead on the telly. If you’ve got charisma, turn it up to the max. If you’re a pushy bastard, push harder. A strong chin and cute nose are a must. If your chin is weak or your nose fat, get them seen to. Do you work out? Work out more. The broader the shoulder the more you feel bolder, they say in the industry. Or some of them do.

They key to success is finding a niche. Look at people who have made the lucrative leap from ordinary job to TV sleb. Sarah Beanie moved from property developer and oversized bra model to TV property mogul. Jeremy Clarkson was a car magazine editor and office twat. Now he’s a twat to the whole nation. Do you think you could talk money in a geezer fashion on daytime TV, or are you aiming higher? My advice is start with short slots on Daybreak. That way you can make your mistakes while no one is watching.

Get known in the industry. Be nice to everyone. Take coke with senior management. Never say cunt on live TV. Keep working out. Don’t be afraid of ITV 4. If necessary sleep with important people. Then just sit back and watch your standing soar and if it doesn’t, creep back to your City desk when no one is watching.