Documentary Maker

Have you ever had sex with an animal? Was it fun and would you do it again? Or did it all go horribly wrong and you’d like to draw a line under the whole ghastly business? Whatever the answer drop me a line, courtesy of Sick Yet Compelling Documentaries Dept, Channel Five.

Documenting our plight on earth can, at its best, inform and enlighten, provoke debate and even change the world: Cathy Come Home, An Inconvenient Truth, Supersize Me, all altered our perceptions. Yet call me old-fashioned (“you’re old fashioned”) but I’m saddened by the new breed of boneheaded shockumentaries: `When Tickling Goes Wrong’, `The Truth About Eating Your Own Sick’, `Bodyshock: the Man with Half an Idea’, and so on. It’s even hard to make up silly titles because they’re probably already in pre-production. These films are there to titillate and exploit and they pander to the lowest common denominator. OK, OK, I watch them too sometimes. But I wish I didn’t. Because they make me feel icky. And no one likes to feel icky. Or do they? Perhaps we should make a documentary about people who like to feel icky and film them discussing it naked in a vat of baked beans. But come on: wouldn’t we all be better off watching something about penguins falling over backwards when they look up at the sky. Or an Arena special about the printing press? What’s that? You’ve flicked back over to Channel Five?? Oh you’re such a disappointment. Still, if you can’t beat `em, join `em. I’ve decided to make a documentary about what a disappointment you all are, as viewed through the eyes of someone (me) who is having extensive plastic surgery at the same time. For free.