On beards
26th September 2009
Hello! Long time! So good to see you! We mustn’t leave it so long in the future! How are you? Oh, I’m sorry to hear that. You’re saying it just fell off? Well, what did the doctor say? I can’t believe he said that. This all sounds highly irregular. No I don’t want to see it. Jesus, put it away will you? You disgust me. No, I don’t want a polo.
Continue Reading
On discovering I have a sister
22nd August 2009
Quick question before we begin: if you eat a packet of Rennies too quickly do you get indigestion?
So, I’ve just found out that I’ve got a sister.
Well, a half sister.
If you think that unremarkable – which in itself it is – I suggest you stick around for the payoff…
On appearing in the Guardian
22nd July 2009
Dear all,
How do you kill a vegetarian?
With a steak through the heart
(I made that up)
Last Saturday the Guardian published an essay I’d written about my father. The journey this piece has taken is akin to the epic odyssey of the Alaskan salmon, swimming the rivers and streams of the wild frontier, into the high seas of the Pacific Ocean, then battling upstream through the same rugged waterways before returning to the place of their birth. OK, it’s nothing like that. But still, it’s been quite a slog.
On fire
9th July 2009
Bonjour there.
Some like it hot. Others like it really hot. Yet how many of us are happy when it’s actually on fire? And what the shit am I talking about? To find out click here – or the puppy gets it.
On Michael Jackson
28th June 2009
There’s currently a rumour doing the rounds that Michael Jackson is dead. Since no one else seems to have picked up on this I thought I’d take it upon myself to spread it.
Continue Reading
On last Friday
11th June 2009
Who likes dogs? Do you like dogs? Do you lick dogs? I like ‘em, always have done. Dogs are skill. FACT. And for that reason, last Friday was a veritable treat for one Saul Arthur Tanat Dorothy Salaman Wordsworth.
On hurling faeces inside a non-functioning windmill
31st May 2009
Gleetings one and all.
Blimey, it’s been over two months since The Last Post. That’s why I’m determined to write this before June rolls around (she said she’d be here by 8). You’re lucky to be reading this, actually – I almost didn’t survive today. You see I slipped on a banana skin. Proper sliding-down-the-road stuff it was. OK, I didn’t fall flat on my b-hind or anything but I did do the banana splits.
On bumping into pop stars
6th March 2009
Alright?
No messing around today, let’s get straight to it.
Last weekend I parked in South Hampstead and walked towards the parking meter, only to observe a man in heavy shades dragging his leg. It was Ray Davies of The Kinks. It was then I recalled that a couple of years previously he’d been shot in an American airport trying to apprehend a felon. So I spoke to himContinue Reading
On being LiveGuy
24th February 2009
Wotcha. All well? What was that? Your pet pig died? I never knew you had a pet pig. My thoughts are with you at this difficult time.
My dear friends: stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone, prevent the dog from barking with a juicy bone, silence the pianos, make yourself a nice cuppa, put your feet up and let me tell you about my experience of being ‘Vodafone LiveGuy’.
Continue Reading
On composing and recording music
9th February 2009
Here’s the good nudes: I’m keeping things short. And the bad? I’ve just run out of biscuits.
Continue Reading