Drummer

Interested in becoming a drummer? OK. First of all you need to buy your own kit – unless you live next to me, in which case you should take up the metronome, or move. Next, to determine whether you have a good sense of timing, arrange to meet your best friend for a quiet drink. If you’re more than 10 minutes late, forget it. If you’re on time, you’ve made it through to the next stage: buying yourself a pair of drum sticks. Once outside the shop, throw them in the air. If you catch them four times out of five, you’re doing well. All that’s left is to take lessons from a man with a long grey pony tail, thinning on top, to leave home and to start behaving in an anti-social manner.

Whether it’s driving into empty swimming pools (Keith Moon), choking on your own vomit (John Bonham) or exploding during solos (Animal from The Muppets), drummers have a certain reputation for the crazies. My favourite drummer is Stewart Copeland of The Police. Say what you like about The Police (“They’re rubbish!”, “Boooo!”, “Sting you W*NKER!”), Copeland’s stick work, especially on the hi-hat, is most excellent. Listen again to Walking on the Moon and you’ll see what I mean. Ringo Starr, real name Ringlet Starbuck, is another favourite. Ringo was the most popular member of the Beatles (after Brian Epstein, of course). Though in the past he has come in for a lot of criticism (“Get off big nose!”, “Go back to Bootle!”, “It’s no BIGGIE BANGING a BOND GIRL, you know!”), Ringo’s straight-forward, no-nonsense drumming and bold fill-ins make The Beatles undoubtedly one-to-watch for the future.

Now if you’ll excuse me I have to go – I’m beat. Boom-tish!