Doctor

It’s never too late, they say: never too late to quit smoking, go gay, learn an instrument, have a happy childhood or discover the meaning of the word ‘banaustic’. And it’s certainly never, ever too late to sack off the city and heal the world. Here’s what to expect.

Doctor’s specialise in six different areas: heads, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes. They also have to be thick-skinned. This is so that diseases don’t pass into their bloodstream and assassinate them. The place that a doctor’s skin is the thickest is on their feet. This is due to the walking. The average doctor walks 44,000 miles per week or twice round the world.

Most surgeons wear bow ties. This is because normal ties trail in the patient’s tummy during tummy surgery. Only the brightest doctors go on to become surgeons. Surgeons tend to be hand-picked by senior doctors, and nose-picked by Junior House Officers. A surgeon must have a steady hand and a posh voice. During an operation the surgeon is handed a succession of tools by nurses on hand to help. Sometimes when the surgeon asks for a saw, the nurses will play a small trick and hand over a pound of sausages.

The worst aspect of being a doctor is the time wasters:

“Where does it hurt?”

“It’s a general pain.”

“You’re a general pain.”

Doctors have a high suicide rate, which is quite funny in a way, though I’m not laughing. This is because they are overtired and get things out of proportion, like Picasso. When a doctor is depressed they are unlikely to visit another doctor. Instead most will treat themselves, often to an Indian take-away or a packet of chocolate digestives in an effort to perk themselves up. If this does not work they may sleep with a nurse or buy a Porsche.